"It's been a long day at the bottom of the hill,
She died of a broken heart.
She told me I was livin' in the past,
Drinking from a broken glass.

(chorus)
I'm alone............
I never wanna be alone,
Now I  turn to face the cold.
I'm alone............
I never wanna be alone,
Now  turn to travel home.

I walked down to the other end today,
Just to catch those last few rays
But I held up my hand and slowly waved goodbye,
I turned my eyes up to the sky.

(chorus)

She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
All alone in this misery.
She'll come back to me.

Oh, I held out my hand out to the light,
And I watched it die.
I know that I was part to blame.
My time, my time..... to die.....
'Never wanted to spend my life alone.

(chorus)"

I'm gettin' old, the gut's gettin' bigger...

Another awesome quote I came across:
"Where do I see myself in ten years? the truth is I don't really have any fucking clue. But I can tell you where id like to be. Multi-platinum selling rock and roll singer with a lovely wife and 2.5 kids living in the hills somewhere near where I grew up smoking a joint while my wife swims laps in the pool as the golden retriever barks cause carpool just pulled into the driveway. The kids jump out and run around the back to greet us and we all laugh and dance and go inside for dinner. We'll have our problems like any other family but nothing we cant work out. Some friends but only the ones we truly love. My kids are gorgeous little geniuses who will go far as I slowly grow old and die having sex and drinking wine. Is that asking for too much? Definitely."
-Adam,  Maroon 5

A very bizarre weekend I had, sin dudo.  'Twas very odd - I feel myself sort of reconnecting - and I'm quite surprised.  The rapid fire conversation has picked up sort of where it left off ... I guess so much of this life is all about simply learning from experience - and not letting negative things that should be chalked up to merely another type of "life experiences" poison existing relationships.  I think that, quite frankly, there isn't enough prose in the world to verbal diarrhea out my stream of semi-lucid, quasi-philosophical meanderings - at least in web form.  I'm gratified that it's all coming full circle - I hope I can be better friends to some than I have been, but I also would love to have real 100% frank conversation with such, to "clear the air."  I don't forsee me being allowed that, but I guess I'll have to make do trying to be the best I can.

Project - "get unfat by fest time" - day 1 mañana!

... peace ...

Ah, I remember it well...

God how I enjoy this quote:

"My mysterious absence has received little inquiry these last couple of weeks, a torrid spell of booze, travel, and sex interrupted by the usual mundane troubles of a writer in the madhouse. My cushy day job is gone, forfeited for my unspeakable addictions to streaming porn and group sex. Family services has closed the book on their investigation of my fathering capabilities. My mother is convinced I’ve been possessed by a liquor Demon. And after nearly four years of faithful service, my trusted Macintosh has contracted some horrible techno-Alzheimer’s in which it has lost any recollection of where the start-up disks are located, leaving me staring at a blinking question mark with my cock slowly softening in my hand. Yes, these are troubled times, dear friends, as I siphon sympathetic bourbon from my friends and bartenders so I might keep down this bitter pill I’ve swallowed, and kill the time until the IRS surrenders my tax refund."

Some life lessons learned today.  My guess is that they'll be expensive.  Here's to hoping it's all goes as smooth as possible...

Peace.

I think it's about time I re-faced this & posted it...

Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
Theres always some reason
To feel not good enough
And its hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
oh and weight-less and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Your so tired of the straight-line
That everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
Storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference escaping one last time
Its easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here
 

It's important to re-visit things that were once hard, that you've worked on conquering, and get the satisfaction (as well as closure) of knowing that you've sort of moved beyond them.  Time is not the great "healer of all wounds" because it has some special magic procedure, but because it allows your brain chemistry to let the poignancy of the individual moment fade, and the raw distance between the where you were then and where you are now to draw it all into perspective.  Another year has gone by - and we're all still here to enjoy it.  I would be the uber-fool if I were to tell you I haven't learned anything in the last year.  I also would be lying if I were to say I haven't been down quite a few roads - roads where I've leaned on past experience just to get by.  Some folks (Linda for example) just don't understand what a world of shit is - and hopefully never will have to (or at least MY take on a world of shit.)  I've got to let those who just don't understand my fucked up existence ask me cheesy questions like "why do you always have to dwell on the negative" do so and not let it irk me.  The old answer was "well, i can go and spend an hour a day (meeting) with people who've sucked dick for a $5 rock, or lived under a bridge and puked in the morning until they bled JUST b/c they though it would let the alcohol get into their bloodstream faster, so fuck you all and your lack of understanding of where I've been (cause sometimes for a fucked up second I think I've been through similar shit, or b/c I'm a drunk that I know where they've been.  HAH go me...).  But that's useless.  Lots of people have been lots of places - especially people I know - in the last year or two.  And what's it to anyone?  Not a god damn bit.  I'm once again less admiring of the resilience of human will, and more simply respectful of the human condition, and of those just too goddamned stubborn to succumb.  Sometimes you just got to use that if it's all you got, and write the rest off as fuck it, i'm still here so I'll worry about xyz next year.

Let's all sleep well tonight - for a change.  I'm too tired to think straight, and too wired to sleep straight, but maybe if I half the difference it'll just be ok.

Peace.

Dive bar, Check.  Celtic rockers, check.  Cigarette smoke, check.

Jesus Christ I used to smoke and I damn near thought I was going to suffocate in the bar tonight.  Funny to see celtic rock outside of Festival - funny to see Delco PWT rocking and rolling and jigging' to it also.  It isn't the best music, but it's got that resilient sort of "keep'on rockin" feel to it that's sort of fun when you're just feeling mindless and beat.

So it's weird to have bizarre retrospective realizations of being a "Judas" - not something I can say that I think I've experienced before.  God I'm so tired of running permutations in my head.  I'm done with that, I don't sit and think anymore.  I'm just like the old man on the bench out front of the post office in a Normal Rockwell painting.  I'm just enjoying the sunlight, and feeling the very tangible essences of what being alive is - but I'm sure as fuck not bothering myself with thinking about what any of it means to me.  Things are just so vastly different since I started the SSRI's - it's just like I can actually spend a few hours without crawling out of my own head, or I can feel ok about me and just kind of put my shit aside.  I've really made progress with respect to my previous garbage dumping on/about myself... I've done what I have had to do, and got my shit straight shortly thereafter.  I think I've learned more from little dude that he'd ever imagine.

'Let go, let god' is one of those AA/NA mantras you hear so often in 'the rooms.'  Damned if it doesn't seem to hold true.  (A side note, you all know I'm not a big fan of god, so figuratively insert my deity of your choice.)  I've whipped this phrase out on someone in my life, and I think it didn't quite get digested, or at lest didn't hit it's mark, so I'm probably going to have to come up with a better explanation on the off chance that I speak to someone of a similar understanding and situational knowledge.  It's very strange when you have have one of those 'moments of clarity' in which you sort of realize just how valuable the serenity prayer is as a lesson, with respect to general coping mechanisms and your ego's own self-preservatory skills.  I really hate to utilize the "recovery lingo" but guess what folks - 10 step programs don't just help you quit sucking crack for dick, but they teach you some life maintenance stuff too - namely that whole spiel about "when the going gets tough..."

Enough random musings for one evening ... I'd like to say I'm still alive and damn well kicking, even if I'm sort of keeping to myself and enjoying the peace and quiet.  I've been really enjoying the solitude (well, TJ's kind of living here now, but that's situation dependent & there's nothing HE can do about it - it's sort of out of safety and necessity..)

I'm pulling my own weight, on my own, and damned if anything's going to stop me.  I might just be a POSITIVE, happy guy, in my next blog entry ... who knows.  :-p  One thing's for sure ... I'll think about the past, and rehash all my regrets again (they weigh heavily on me still) but for now that stuff is put to bed.  I'm sorta doing my own thing, I guess I owe it to myself to keep from being miserable.  Just sorta zen the experience.  What is going to happen is going to happen, and I'll just have to accept whatever that is.
 
 

Peace.

So I REALLY want to make a good, "scream and shake my fists at the sky" blog entry...

...but it's just not an option.  Anything I would be saying would be spreading personal business - and not just mine.  I really feel like I'm spinning my wheels.  I have a pretty good idea that absolutely everything has changed ... (duh, obviously) ... and not for the better.  I have a feeling I'm going to be on the "outside" forever, and that there is only a very slight chance of ever even re-establishing communication.  I sincerely hope that everyone involved knows I tried, and (obviously) failed miserably.  Hopefully everyone understands that I was in no way attempting anything superhuman, but rather to only BE human.  It's entirely possible that I've made things worse - I really hope not.  It is a shame that only in hindsight I am able to see just how sticky and involved things got.

Fuck hindsight, I'm going to bed.  Maybe things will work out this year - and maybe I'll be skiing alone when this winter comes.  I guess the only remaining problem as I see it, is when and how I should simply make myself scarce, such that I'm no longer an omnipresent & exacerbating force in an equation that's not mine to effect.  I guess I have to choose a time (probably better sooner than later) and do what's right for everyone else, and just of grin and bear it.

If you stroke it ... they will come ...
    It was a dark and stormy night ... hahahah.  Not really -  that just seemed a somehow fitting way to start this inane asshole-bloggery.   I gotta be in early to work tomorrow - whenever the helpdesk girl is out I have to come in and cover for her AND get to stay till my normally later hour than she leaves.  Go me.  It's irrelevant - I mean who the fuck really wants to read a sob story when they got to read people's blogs anyway?

    My fibromyalgia symptoms seem to have come back suddenly and completely without warning ... we'll see how it goes.  God I hope it's temporary - I'm way too intertwined in the lives of others to off myself nowadays.  ;)  In any case, I guess it's bedtime.  Once more into the [server room] breach.  :)

       "Come on... Jump! Quick, like a bunny! Jump! Oh, you chicken shit bastard!"
                                                                                                   -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Musings of an intense weirdo ...  (that would be me!)
   Take three words from Schuyler's Friendster page and call me in the morning: syncretism, pantheism, & epistemology.  The hurricane is (pathetically) raging outside.  The power has  gone out multiple times (thank god all the batteries in all my UPSs are totally dead.)  Tonight I maanaged to push 235lbs on the lower back extension machine at the gym - next time will be more, that was on the 6'th or so set of 10, because it just never seemed hard enough.d

  So it's funny ... I have been once again reminded how much I value my friends, (and more importantly their relative well being - as they're almost all damaged good in one way or another...)  I've also noticed, that the ol' "opposites attract" really does hold true for me with regard to the people who have become my friends.  .  I'm buddies with all sorts of people who have strengths in ways that I don't, but I can't really think of any of my friends who share the same abilities that I have.  It seems that I do share one common link with just about all of them, which is that we can converse, at full duplex, & about a hundred miles per hour, at any time of the day or night, with nearly total comprehension on both sides.  Even funnier yet is that with a few of them ... I have shared the ability to simply know what they're going to say without them ACTUALLY saying it, and vice versa.
   Throughout my life, I've spent most of my time attempting to tear myself to pieces.  I can't really explain WHY this is, but it's been my basic MO as long as I've lived.  I mean, I spent YEARS pouring illegal and harmful substances into my body, just to escape what I though was my pain.  I hammered in coffin nails (MENTHOLs for christ' sake!) for probably around 10 years, before in a "moment of clarity" sort of just simply gave up smoking.  After my wisdom teeth extraction I was going to have to be able to go for 5 days without smoking, and goddamned if any of you remember that it sure as fuck killed me when I wasn't able to light another smoke off the butt of the last one.  So five days was going to be an eternity of "virtual quitting" & I said fuck it, and just sort of stopped.  Alcohol's another one ... if any of you guys remember Matt in all his glory you probably remember me camped out somewhere, swigging from a bottle of 100 proof (or was it 90) Southern Comfort and being an ornery mother fucker.  Although Jack was my drink, I think SoCo just always seemed easier on a Tuesday night.  Jack was for if you were REALLY going to get drunk, like whiskey blind drunk, usually to such an extent that the hangover was SO bad that they only thing that fixed it was to hit another bottle the following night.  I really should dump a quote here in from TJ, that he sent me once upon a time:   "I'm glad I'm an alcoholic. Oh yes, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Obviously, I'm sorry for the hurt I caused people ... but being an alcoholic was an amazing and powerful experience. There were some days when I'd drink a bottle of tequila and I didn't care if I died. I was so washed up, so empty and feeling emotionally bankrupt. I used to love tequila." -Sir Anthony Hopkins
   Obviously Señor Hopkin's drink of choice was tequila ... but I digress ...  I find it so goddamned weird that I'm finding myself wanting to live (well, not always wanting to live, but it seems to come in fits and spurts - the frequency and duration of which seem to be getting more often and longer.)  I've never been able to love myself to such an extent that I have been able to love others, at least not in any sort of a mature and capable fashion.  Sure, there have been strangers in the night, but I don't think i've ever really connected with anyone because I've been unable to bear a certain part of myself.  (Well, more like unable to bear what I perceived as most parts of myself)  I find that part slowly wearing away, over time, and I'm not sure what is replacing it.  Sure, I still have bad days, but I actually sort of have good days nowadays too.  I'm constantly reminded that I don't face chronic stomach pain every morning (hello Kurt Cobain) and that I can now sleep some nights almost peacefully.  I still take legal, and partly herbal, things to fall asleep which means i have a slight hangover in the mornings... but it's better than the years where I survivied on 3 hours a night for months at a time, and damn near drove off the road every day I drove home from work.

   As old and prophetic as I seem to claim my words to be at this point, I want to make the clear point that I keep finding amazing new stuff and truly bizaare twists and turns occasionally.  Although I may rant that they "wonder" is gone ... I think it's probably my responsibility to replace it with something.... what that is I'm not sure, but I goddamned if I'm not going to find out.  Over and out...

        "...order some golf shoes. otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive..."
                                                                                                    -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

For Fuck's Sake - Fest Rocked!

So I haven't flogged the blog in some months, a handful in fact, and I think it's probably time I started getting back to it.  Let's make it a kinder, gentler new blog as the old one seemed to be a play-by-play of life immediately post AM (Nov. 4'th.)

It's been a sorta rough weekend so far.  I'm sorta confused as to what the hell I should be doing - as my last real friend in the area is in Australia.  And I'm sorta stuck doing nothing.  I've cleaned the inside of my car (outside to follow, or maybe I'll just get the guys who work out of the parking garage where I park during work to detail it.  It's probably worth $80 to clean all the door jams, and wash it, and then put an honest-to-christ HAND WAX back on it.  It's been probably 14 months since I really put a hand wax on it anyway.)  I'm now organizing & cleaning my desk/the computer room.  Next I'll be sorting out my bedroom, moving furniture around, and clearing the enormanimous mounds of laundry that haunt me.  After that I will probably clean our bathroom somewhat (it has basically NOT been cleaned in about a year and a half) and then take a shower to get all the gunk off me.  I have to go to a party (where I'll just stand in a corner as usual later on tonight - see next paragraph.)  I'm just not sure who to call or what to do about things.  I think I'm finally totally out of friends.  I have plenty of acquaintances ... but everyone's always pretty busy and I hate being "that guy" who calls out of the blue.

I get to go hang with an old friend (from like when I was 2) and her [ulp!] husband.  They're having a housewarming party now that they're home from their honeymoon.  The wedding was cool ... and I hope to run into a girl who's friends with the host of the party that I knew from high school (and before) again tonight.  I actually re-met her on a beach about a year ago (maybe it was 2 ... I don't remember) and was hung out 'till like 0430.  But of course everyone will be bringing a date ... and I'll probably play wall-flower again.  Actually now that I think about it ... I can hang with the hosts' little bro. and his boyfriend.  They're pretty cool & accepting.

It's been quite a rough post festival recovery period this year.  I keep hanging out with TONS of people from fest ... which TOTALLY fucks up my fest recovery.  I arrived at fest Sunday of prefest this year.  I spent EIGHT fucking days out in the sun and fun.  I also got married to Ilea (sp?)  this year (in a religious, not legal way) by a friend who is also an (i believe) presbyterian minister.  I believe I'm going to renew my vows annually on Sunday night of fest.  It's a good way to brighten up Sunday night b/c the concerts are always a letdown (they're really folky and designed to return all the concert-goers to the campground in a very mellow/non raucous mood.  This is to prevent them from partying until dawn, because they have to pack-out at dawn - well those left that is, I think about 30% of fest leaves Sunday night in order to make it to work on Monday morning anyway...

I had an amazing time at fest this year.  TJ was of course in Australia [major bummer,] and Juergen in Boston, but Dev was able to pinch-hit for his bro. and more (and by pinch hit I mean get more ass than a toilet seat in a cheap bar on $.10 wing night.)  But on that note ... I think it's fucking up HIS fest recovery too - let's just say that it seemed moot at one point ... but continuously shows signs of life, and then WHOOPS nothing again...  I'll shut up on this topic now lest I totally betray multiple trusts.  There really was a ton of awesome stuff that happened this year ... like this was the first year I went totally shirtless (and of course skirted) and I just didn't give a damn (yes, I know, way to late in life for me to be working off the self-consciousness, but whatchagonna do ... if you know where to look on the web, there's even pics of me... ;)  I mean it was odd ... I just wasn't uncomfortable about myself at all.  It's weird also that I managed to do this, because I hung out with adonis the entire time ... so you want to talk about paling in comparison ... I was DEFINITELY someone's D.U.F.F. this fest.   :)  Regardless I had a blast ... it looks like the 5-7 year "cycle" of driving out the crazy hard-core drug use and drunken insanity is on the swing back to raucous festing again ... I say this just because of the vibe I got the whole time I was there... and from the sheer number of insane people I saw (or participated in) hog-tying and schlepping off the state police.  I also worked on my "confrontation skills" with people.  I made lots of eye contact, and held it, and I managed to pull of being quite persuasive to random drunken folks, schizophrenic invaders of my campsite, insane not-quite-out thief campers in my site, etc.  I also managed to not flip out at anyone for anything.  Well, except I did flip shit at Jeremy just after he got there.  He put his tent beneath the tarp, and I fucking lost it, (I was on shift, in the sun, and it had been a rough one.)  Regardless, I managed to apologize later and I hope he's not still miffed at me.  Not that I'd blame him if he was ... I did sorta wig out on him.

So the project for the next few weeks is to run a triathlon (with 4 events) - run a mile, canoe 3 miles, run 3 miles, and then bike 3 miles.  (Yes folks, a quad-athalon ... go figure.)  In any case, I'm probably going to die, but the hell with it, I want to do it anyway.  I absolutely refuse to let my body go again this year.  I WILL exercise all goddamned winter.  I'm going to be hitting Dev to help me get a workout plan once the triathlon is over (I'm just running nightly now) and I plan on seeing if I can't have abs by next fest.  God damn it ... there is NO time like the present.  I am glad I am alive (moreover I'm glad I didn't succumb to any of my urges to die in my shady past) and I want to exercise and have a fit body.  I know I can do it ... the hard part is getting up and going to the gym, not actually working out once I'm there.  I will NOT succumb to my typical winter shit, I WILL do it.  God damn it I must.

That is all for now ... If'n you're feeling like it drop me a line (mailto: link is at the top, folks.)

Peace.

I gotta start making entries in the ol' blog again.  I think I will.  Hence this one.  :)

I didn't kick a whole lot of ass, nor take a whole lot of names today, but I think I held my own pretty well.  My boss is selling us out (again) and has completely fucked up the integration of the systems of a company whom we just bought.  They're laying on the ground bleeding, he's harrumphing that "we don't support that" ( after having torn them from an old system, put in a half-ass, non-standard version of ours, and not instructed them one bit.)

Regardless, I say fooey on it all.

I spent the weekend in DC with Teh Jota & this really awesome french girl, ____.  She has a longterm boyfriend - don't get your hopes up.  I spoke quite a lot of spanish (that's my pigeon spanish, of course,) much to the unfortunate exclusion of Tej Jota from the conversation, as she speaks quite a bit.  It's also apparently much easier to understand me when I speak spanish, as with the years of disuse my speech seems to have slowed.  It's also quite similar in tempo & structure to french, so it's easier for her to track the conversation.  I was just pickled tink that I got the opportunity to speak again.

Oh well.  I just burnt microwave popcorn badly (house full of smoke) and steabie's freaking out.  I guess it's bedtime.
 
 

"02.06.03 

There is a plaque in the men's room on the third floor of the San Diego Westin hotel with a stern reminder that alcohol can do permanent and irretrievable damage to unborn children, and that pregnant women SHOULD NOT drink, under any circumstances. It is a pretty arresting plaque.

Was there some kind of problem here with weak- bladdered playboys, besozzling the local expectant mothers with Mai Tais? Is there a prostate-cancer awareness plaque in the women's room? Did those goofy Californians pass another referendum?

1:18 AM"

- http://www.idlewords.com/weblog.02.2003.html#109, 2/6/03-0118

Some words of wisdom from my liver ...

  "I'm glad I'm an alcoholic. Oh yes, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Obviously, I'm sorry for the hurt I caused people ... but being an alcoholic was an amazing and powerful experience. There were some days when I'd drink a bottle of tequila and I didn't care if I died. I was so washed up, so empty and feeling emotionally bankrupt. I used to love tequila." 

(Sir Anthony Hopkins)

Super Duper Ski Trip - no titties though...

I believe skiing went well.  I [think] everyone had a good time.  The drive up Friday was pretty amazing.  It was pretty much a whiteout blizard for most of the trip.  The turnpike conditions had degraded to 1 "quasi-lane" and about 4-6 inches of snow, allowing us to barely keep up a 35mph speed for most of the trip.  380 & 84 were about the same, with 507 being only sort of  plowed, and the development mostly unplowed.  Once we turned onto Birch Lane (my parent's street) it got to be about a foot+ deep, and the driveway up to their house was easily a foot and a half.  Me & Jimmy (both 4-wheel drive) had to make tracks back and forth to flatten the snow out enough to let Dude and Colleen in the cavalier get up the street and into the driveway.  I got to hand it to Dude, though, he's a pretty good driver.  He got that little car up there.  Juergs & Celeste were awesome in their food procurement and preparation.  They planned, bought, & made, all the meals.  I was very impressed, and appreciative, as I think everyone else was.  Now admittedly I'm sober, (and a dork,) but  I don't think anyone was even too disappointed to not get  hammered on Saturday night.  (I offered the  rum I bought at the 41'st & Market state store, but felt kind of like a tool doing so, b/c NO one had much interest.)  It was generally just a low-key trip overall (the best kind for sober dorks like myself.)  I had been pretty worried that I'd not be able to entertain the 16 year olds, but I think they even had a good time (least I think/hope they did.)  I'm not sure Rick will EVER come back again, though, as he probably overheard commentary made about his über-leash to his girlfriend while he was in the bathroom.  Unfortunately, we also sort of joked about hitting him with a 2x4 to cure him of his girlfriend addiction.   A bad move this probably was, as he (I think) heard this part too.  Oh well, the dude went 3 HOURS AWAY  to go skiing for a weekend.  Leaving Friday night, (JUST after he got off the phone with her,) and returning Sunday evening.  He brought her picture and put it beside his bed, and called her Saturday afternoon.  Duh.  I guess it's been a while since I was a teenager in love.

I'm looking forward to pulling off AT LEAST several more of these trips, as the skiing is really a lot of fun and one hell of a workout.  I think I felt better the day after I hammered my body skiing, than I did in the whole last month of getting up and dragging my butt around. Let's hope I can pull this off a few more times this season.

 

Second Stage Turbine Blade

Time Consumer

"the young stale memories of play the role to your part
librarian find me the pole the one that kicks your head in
with my own time role your own innocence by
grab on to my sleeve the one that grabs at your ankle
debate to understand that we all have a flaw
then fail to represent your life as you know it
god grant you one wish to turn back the time... correct and create 

me and my star matthew good night
you know by law when you'll be forgiven
maria my star matthew goodnight
you know my lord when you'll be forgiven

so they pulled your confidence down with those verbal discrepancies
now and then you'll gain what they've lost through a challenge of unpronounced
|pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it
you might be able to use the very thing that makes us up

wait, now, here when will you believe?
me i'm merely asking you to help me when did i say to murder?
wait, now, here, please hear me out
time consumer, time consuming, consume me"

- Coheed & Cambria

Ah, a new year.  Thank god for hair metal!

Ok, so I spet like 5 hours listening to hair metal with the PHL roommate Steabie today.  Not bad, all things considered.  We still only sorta get along, I'm pretty glad I still can at least spend a day here and not be totally at odds with him.  He's now used to living alone, and so am I (in hrb) so it's sorta weird for both of us.  We seem to work it out ok though.

Had dinner at the parents.  God damn they seem to be getting old.  I'm not quite sure when they started to get so old, but boy do they seem to creak and groan when they move.  I guess Linda's got an excuse, what with using one leg to do the work of two for 50'some years of living.  I don't think they're that old, but they just seem it.  Is 55'ish old?  I guess that depends on how old you are - I'm sure G-ma would have something to say about "old" regarding my parents who are 20 years her junior.... :)

Talked to scrotum briefly today.  I need to get him to help me design a workout plan for the coming year.  It's always inspirational to talk to him - he's always done more or better or faster than I (at 2/3 my age,) so when it comes down to life's nitty-gritty, I'm sorta reminded to get off my ass and get moving.
 

Ok - This year needs to be better than the last.  I"m setting some goals (listed below,) more to follow in the week or two to come.  Let's see if I can't stay goal-directed this year and pull some of this off!!!

New Years Resolutions:
- Get in reasonable shape.  - exercise program designed by Devin (& TJ)  I want to go to festival this year with pecs, abs & lats/shoulders.  God damn it I'm tired of feeling weak too.  I'm not asking to be huge, but I don't wanna resemble the network troll, all white and scrawny when I take off my shirt  this year either.  If either of you is reading this, how about just typing out the workout plan and sending it to me?           yabulda@tridity.org          Gym here I come.

- Get rid of the gut - Ok, this will be hard, b/c I eat most often now to kill the pains in my stomache from the anti-inflammatory medicines I take for my neck.  I do compulsively eat garbage too, though, so we're going to try and work it such that even if I"m pigging out all the time, I'll at least be doing it on healthier foods.

- Get Laid - Really now, WHO am I kidding?  :)  OK, we'll just have to see about that one...
 
- Get CNE 5.1 certification - actually get off my ass, study the cheezy-books I had Kinko's re-bind for me (so I could read them sideways b/c of my neck.) and just take the tests.  I know I can do it, I just need to do so.

- Go to Novell Brainshare conference - but my boss SO FUCKING MUCH that he sends me to Brainshare.  I KNOW he's going to send people my senior in IT at my company who are MUCH less
 
 

Speaking of festival, it seems I will be swinging almost completely alone this year.  Tj's going to be in Australia (or some country somewhere) and no one else really still goes.  I'll probably recrute Devin for help with most of the gruntwork, since he says he'll still go, and he's durable and quite strong.  This will be the summer after his junior year of high school, and it wouldn't be toooooo much of a surprise if he found a lady-friend and sorta got too busy to go, which I would understand, but be a little dissappointed about all the same.  It will, due to college freshman orientations probably conflicting with festival next year, be his only opportunity to go to fest for the next few years, so hopefully he will go.
 

I had a great time at DB's last night (new years eve!) - even if he didn't play the ol' guitarra.  Well, it seems time for bed.  Five AM drive to Harrisburg is callin' my name.
 
 

Thank God I'm not the ONLY one ... There may be hope yet!

    "Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
    Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car."

-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"

So there may be hope yet .. but it's probably not a good sign when major issues in your life seem to mirror those of Mr. Thompson... ;)

Pardon me Sir, but you're stepping on my Christmas ...

Feelin' Good, Feelin' Friday!

Christmas was OK, I think I only intentionally stabbed myself with a fork 3 or 4 times ... I'm not sure which family of mine appreciated me being at their house.  I've got two now, it seems, who like me, and only one that has any idea who I am.  But much more fun was the drive to Harrisburg in a FUCKING BLIZZARD.  I actually had to use my 4-wheel drive in LOW range to get up my street and into my driveway when I got here.  It was goddamn near a whiteout, and most of the turnpike was a frozen icy washboard that seemed as if it were going to shake my car to pieces. 

I managed to get into work on Christmas day (after my gauntlet drive) to reboot IChain (webauth) and save the day, b/c all our client money management web sites were down.  Go me.

At least I managed to keep my car right side up.  [TJ's sister] Colleen's car hit a ditch and flipped over with both Scrotum (Devin) and Scrotito (Sean) aboard, and it was only lightly snowing back in Philly where they were.  Luckily Scrotum managed to get his ninja mask on, which instantly caused him a giant [McKelvey] erection, thus shattering a window & allowing them to get out of the car.

I think Scrotum's back on his proverbial horse once again (how many times did he make her cum?) which makes me pretty glad for him.  Now he can stop being pestered by late night drives with old folks such as myself, and get back to being 16.    There's no need for a teenager to be so almost forcibly introspective about EVERY thing that happens.  He's, I think, been given enough tools that normally aren't acquired until the early twenties, such that at this point he can handle most any situation that will come down the pike.  And he's hopefully learned enough from his chats with TJ & I on how things work in this world that he'll  be able to make his decisions without having to learn everything the hard way as we probably did at his age.  But it also occurs to me that in our defense, the pussy wasn't exactly throwing it's self at us at that age as it is him, so maybe we made our decisions out of desperation ... ;)

Ski weekend is coming up January 4th/5th.  You guys Call/Email me if you're interested in going.  We're going to stay at my parent's house in the Poconos (NO, my parent's won't be there at the time,) and probably go to CamelBack to ski (it's just too far to drive another 2.5 hours from the Poconos up to Hunter Mtn in New York.)  Let me know.  It's to be a pretty low-key time, so if you can make it, do so.  It's going to be cheap too, because we are not paying for a hotel or for meals, except maybe lunches at the mountain.

 

Hrmmmm…. Maybe I’ll get some ass for Christmas?!?!

From Autumn To Ashes rocked. Definitely a good show – their opening acts SUCKED – as most always do. No one ever understands that there is a tremendous need for some form of melodic singing within death metal. Plain old growlin’ NEVER works. It’s the same shit without tonal modulation, usually, and the same goddamned drum sound every song. Luckily these guys have a freak nerd drummer whose voice makes it feel like it’s a common musical effort. Add to that the fact that I think they’re a bit more experienced as musicians (less show – more playing) and you have a decent small-venue show. At least I enjoyed it.

AM’s house apparently got pretty rough last night, big fucking shame if you ask me. I don’t understand what’s happening … apparently little dude only sort of does. I think there’s more to if than that, at least I’ve heard hint of further issue or opinion... I think it’s more of a case of things being out of context and, when originally on the D-L, when brought out into the open they become conflagratory to an already bad situation. I think he made some significant progress last night. The real progress only comes when you push yourself, and it usually hurts. Often the pain is good. It serves to make you stronger. It can chew you up, if you sadistically let it become a part of life, but I don’t think self destructiveness is an issue for him at this point. Letting go can be the worst of all … it just leaves you more empty, initially, and the real progress can only be felt long after.

I still haven’t done my christmas shopping because I suck. I’m going to attempt to do it tonight with Colleen, but I’m not sure how much I’ll get done. It’s also a work night, so I’m not sure what will happen when & how. God Christmas shopping makes my ass bleed. On another note, I am going for Alexander Method & Acupuncture tonight, so let’s hear it for endorphins. I’ll be feeling pretty sublime for my Christmas shopping at least… (I wish there were an emoticon for that grin only a cheshire cat can have…)

So anyone wanna tell me what I’m doing for new years? It’s quite the boring holiday for those of us who are TOTALLY sober … so anyone with any ideas PLEASE let me know. I’ll do anything anywhere, as long as it doesn’t mean me (once again) taking care of people who are puking. (Unless of course I have a good time to b/c I get to kiss pretty girls in which case I’ll take care of all the pukers you can find. J )Remember, I gotz a car that can hold people and go wherever it needs to b/c the driver is totally sober. Anyone got any ideas or an invite lemme know - (610.909.7137 or yabulda@tridity.org – you know the deal.)

Peace.